I hold in my heart more
memories than I can count…ten years worth.
In five days, I will symbolically (with attendance at a graduation)
close a chapter on a season of life, and turn the page to open a new one. The first page of the new chapter is blank…and
looking ahead all the pages are. They
are yet to be written. My options include a wondering of what they might read, and that would result in no small amount of fear,
or to feel cornered by the uncertainty, and experience frustration and
anxiety.
Looking ahead is certainly
not helpful.
At the moment, I choose to
look back. This isn’t particularly
helpful either, nor do I feel the Lord would want me to wallow in exploration
of the already written pages for very long.
Yet, I do think in order to fully “set my hand to the plow,” there needs
to be a measure of reflection, for closure sake. Good-byes are always hard. I prefer to avoid them like a plague. I’d like to just dissolve into oblivion and
never say another one. My life has been filled with too many, and at the same
time, I know it is part of life, and there are more to come. So, I take a minute to look back and
celebrate the past with a few smiles and multiple tears.
I ended up at Arizona
Christian University (then Southwestern College) as an act of
competition. Bay and I had come over to
speak in chapel. At the time, we were
spending some part-time months on a sister campus, staying in a 30’ fifth wheel
trailer. Over lunch, President Garrison
taunted us with an offer, “Move your trailer over here, spend time with some of
our students, and we’ll throw in free lunch.”
He may have been joking, but we took him seriously, and showed up on the
campus doorstep not long after. How that
transitioned to my volunteer position (eventually followed up by a ¾ time offer) as
Dean of Women, an on-campus apartment, and interaction with thousands of
students over the years, only God knows.
As I literally turn the pages
in my journals over the past years, I am taking away great big gifts (no wonder
our truck and trailer will be packed so full…oh, wait, these aren’t the things that take up
room!). First is the gift of
growth. I have been educated (and I
don’t just mean the completion of a master’s degree), become more dependent on
the Lord, sought his wisdom and found his answers, discovered the joy in living in my
strengths and spiritual gifts, and been stretched beyond my imagination. I am changed!
I am taking away the gift of
story: the stories of hundreds of students I have been privileged to sit across
from over the years. Every story has a face;
every face has a name; every name has a niche in my heart. That means there are a lot of “niches” that
will be empty. Sigh. But as Pooh reminded Christopher Robin, I am choosing to
put the memories in the place of the presence of the faces (you will stay there forever!). Those memories will become treasures of
gold. How rich the contents of my heart!
I am taking away the gift of
friendship (that of students, yes, but more, that of my co-workers). I am leaving the best team God ever put
together on the planet. I have been privileged
to do life with these people. Together
we have shared the best and worst of ourselves, dared to be vulnerable, and
found trustworthiness in the midst of our mess.
It’s been easy to do, because we share a common goal: to love students
to the best of our ability. These people
have challenged me, inspired me, and loved me.
Words fail. I live more authentically because of them.
So, why did I take all this space writing about good-byes and good gifts? You may be asking what the point of all this is? I mean, duh, who doesn't know that good-byes are difficult?! Here is what I'd want to have us all take away (especially me, at the moment):
Live fully in today. Celebrate the little now-minutes of life. Tomorrow is tomorrow, waiting to unfold like a flower blooming. The past is filled with gifts, which are cherished and kept dear inside. Be thankful for each memory; those are the glimpses of the tools God has used to make us into who we are. We can't worry about tomorrow, nor wallow in yesterday. Today is it! God is using right now, to write the first page in the next chapter of this novel called LiFe. Let's make it a good read!
Today is the day the Lord created; celebrate and be glad in it! Psalm 118:24
Don't be anxious about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
Therefore, be careful how you live out your life, not as unwise men, but as wise, and make the most of your days... Eph. 4:15-16a.
PS...and I think I need to share the back story to this blog next week. :D
A sweet and timely post for me dear Peg!
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