I begin typing, delete, stop, drum some more.
It's not in time to any music.
It's not because there are distractions to bother me.
It's not because I'm annoyed with interruptions.
All those have happened to cause this response before, but not this morning.
The fact is that it is eerily quiet this morning.
I'm not a fan of quiet.
Hence, the drumming of the keys.
I tend to drum in the process of waiting for something, just to fill silent moments...
...as if, by wiggling my fingers across the little letters in some rhythmic fashion will get me what I'm waiting for much quicker...
Or, maybe there's a subconscious thought that by doing something with my hands, somehow, in some miraculous way, something profound will appear on a screen where there's nothing but white and a small, blinking black cursor.
I know better.
So, as I've sat here, I've pondered the past week.
All the different ways that the Lord has spoken through His Word about random issues.
My journal documents many such truths.
Yet, there's nothing in there to document what has really been the One Thing I have wrestled with God over the most.
It's as if I write that One Thing down, then there's no going back.
The blogosphere world will now know this truth about me; and, do I really want to put it out there?
Do I want to serve this on the table as a slice of bread for us to indulge in together?
I fear I might choke.
I reckon the issue is an old-age issue, as opposed to an age-old one.
I see a lot of those occurring, so I hear myself often thinking, "Yep, I'm showing symptomatic signs of aging."
I know this, because since January I have been reading books, studying Scriptures on what that transition will be like, and what is my purpose in the midst of it all. I fancy myself something of an expert on "ziqna and seba" (old age and gray hairs).
But, what no book has mentioned...
What no one I've talked with has brought up...
What has caused me the most.........frustration...........is this:
My mind has shut down.(Gasp!)
I used to never have a quiet moment up there in my head.
My thoughts ran rampant.
I needed my journal to corral thoughts like wild horses.
But, over the last few months, it's been like the morning: eerily quiet.
There were probably a kazillion times I would pray for a quiet mind.
Yet, the truth is that because my mind was so full, it wasn't difficult to put the pieces together for things like blogs, or books, or retreat messages.
Now, it's like I've walked out to the car to start the engine and the battery is dead.
And, just like when the car won't start, I have to resort to jump start the engine, I do the same for my brain.
Good, brisk walks help jump start the brain-motor and get 'er going.
BUT, HONESTLY? It's a little bit frightening, because this is so new to me, and a fairly recent occurrence.
So, of course, I've talked with the Lord about it.
Presented the issue in light of the Word, because I think God speaks in different ways to all issues we face.
So far, He has whispered a few ideas for me to reflect on as I walk this new and different road.
1) He has always declared, "Be still....and know that I am God." Being still doesn't just mean "body." To be still is a condition of the heart and mind. I've mastered the body part, sometimes the soul part, but until now, never the mind. What if this new condition means my knowledge of God increases exponentially?
2) As we know, the Lord speaks in a "still, soft voice." God has always spoken in whispers so gentle, I must listen with an undistracted mind. What if the fact my mind has shut down allows me to hear the God-whispers more often?
3) "In quietness and trust will be your strength." That word quiet means to be idle, to have an undisturbed mind, an attitude of rest. Again, it's not just body... Just because I am sitting doesn't mean I have accomplished "quietness." So another question: What if this new "undisturbed, uncluttered mind" means for me my strength, fortitude, "grit" for life also increases exponentially?
4) "A harvest of righteousness is sown in peace..." If what I want to define my life at the end of my life is "godly character" then I must sow wisely with an attitude of peace. I camped out on this passage a little bit longer than the others. The brother of my Lord Jesus, James, is writing about wisdom (James 3:13-18). He's defining for us what a wise believer looks like in the world. He's separating earthly wisdom from heavenly wisdom. They are quite different. The key is that the wise among us start with a mind that is still, quiet, uncluttered, undisturbed, and at rest. What if, God has allowed my mind to shut down for the purpose of sowing His wisdom within me?
I may not like the quiet...but if the results of the silence I'm experiencing lead to hearing the voice of God, knowledge, strength and wisdom, I'm all in! And...maybe, just maybe, I should have sought it sooner.