Thursday, March 14, 2024

Marriage 202: Conflict

Be not quick in your spirit to become angry,

for anger lodges in the heart of fools.

Ecclesiastes 7:9



Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Ephesians 4:26


Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

James 1:19-20



A soft answer turns away wrath,

but a harsh word stirs up anger

Proverbs 15:1




Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:31-32


XXXX


As I type, we are on the road for a 30-day trip through the South to meet with supporters (a thank-you-tour-of sorts), speak at several incredible venues along the way, and spend a few days in South Carolina at the beach for a quiet vacation (hopefully not over-run by those on spring break). The original itinerary had us closer to 6-weeks out, but we recalculated and  shortened the length (grateful). Because we are driving long days and many hundreds of miles, we sort of sit in a petri dish for marital-conflict.


Not to worry, we’ve learned how to manage this well, over the years, so I am convinced we’ll have a great trip. 


XXXX


Today, we are enjoying scenic New Mexico. 


I am stunned by the beauty of what increment weather, the baking of sun, and the length of days created for us to enjoy along the way.


If the rocks could speak, they’d no doubt attribute their uniqueness, and wrinkly layers, to the work of “conflict.” 


XXXX


Just yesterday I chatted with a friend of mine who is in-training to be a Resident Assistant (AKA: House Mom) in a safe-house for rescued women from sex-trafficking. 


As part of her training, she joined in recently on a live and "hot" situation, in order to observe how other personnel in the facility handle these dear ones with care. 


These precious gals (the rescued) need help learning everything from how to use a toothbrush to learning to drive a car. 


So, you can imagine how important instruction into such a crucial life skill as conflict will be.


At this facility, they work to help these women understand the difference between toxic me-centered, fight-to-be right-conflict and healthy fight-to-understand-and-work-together-conflict. 



XXXX


These women aren’t alone.


Oh-so-many-couples marry never learning the difference. 


Truthfully, even Bay and I needed instruction years ago, as most of us do. 


Why? 


Easy answer - we all love to set up our own Kingdoms, where we are the King or the Queen, and everyone else lives by our rules.


Conflict occurs when our spouse doesn’t live by them.


However, when trust is established (and I know my spouse is FOR ME), when I agree to eliminating rats in the walls, and  when  I commit to doing the work of marriage, healthy conflict comes easier with a ready resolution promised.



The verses above need embedding on our hearts before we can even address conflict. 


They give us a base theology of how to gift our spouse with healthy conflict.


Anger isn’t the sin - what we do with anger determines the sin.



Even still, we must be slow to explode…and, then…


…we deal with the problem as quickly as possible (note: attacking the problem, never the person).


…we take enough time prior to conflict-engagement so we never enter the situation when emotions are running high and tensions are tight.


At this point, we are able to truthfully, gently, kindly, present our perspective and explain how things brought us to the heat of differing opinions. 


There are always two sides…so instead of just pointing fingers and placing blame at “the other,” we have to pay attention, examine our own hearts, and take ownership for where we are at fault.


Being quick to ask forgiveness and even quicker to forgive are essential. 


Can I remind you what forgiveness looks like? It looks like keeping no record of wrongs - never bringing the issue up again to ourselves, to God, to our spouse, and of course, never to others. Forgiveness looks like wiping the slate clean, and granting one-another a do-over. There are thousands upon thousands of begin-agains in every successful marriage.


There will always be potential for anger in relationship resulting in conflict…but…the Lord gives us a ready, strong, Biblical model that keeps us steady in conflict and much more able to come to a greater understanding of one another. 


XXXX


The result is a hopeful journey through life with incredible beauty formed in each of us. 


Thursday, March 7, 2024

Marriage 201: WHEN I SAY "I DO"

The weekend marriage retreat is behind us and we have a few days at home before we are off and running again.

I think I'll take the next couple of Thursdays to finish my thoughts on marriage --- for better or worse. 😉

Whenever Bay and I share at a conference, like the one this past weekend, I find myself reflecting on our wedding day, looking back at the things I loved about the day, the things I might have changed, and some of the more memorable moments.

One of those came in the middle of our wedding vows, when Bay's dad (performing the ceremony) mixed up the first letter of our names and asked: "Do you Payard take Beggy..." 

It's a memory that still makes me smile, and I wonder if this was some kind of Freudian slip...did I seem rather desperate-like ("Beggy")?

As I look back, I think what babies we were when we got married. 

We really didn't have much good sense, and certainly no one sat down with us and gave us pre-marital counseling (was that even a thing back then???).

If you'd cornered us and asked how we planned to survive marriage for 50 years, I'm not quite sure what our answer might have been. 

Possibly we'd have turned to the "L" word, mentioned two weeks ago in blog #1...

Important for sure, but not the foundation on which to build a marriage.

Maybe we'd have responded with the good, old-fashioned, Sunday School answer: Jesus 

After all, Jesus is the answer to everything; and, while there is TRUTH to this statement, we each must have ownership in this God-ordained-institution for it to last.

That's why TRUST and a determination to eliminate RATS IN THE WALLS are so crucial; and, it is why we speak those vows to one another in the first place.

We PROMISE to love, honor, cherish above all others and and all circumstances...no matter what...

We, uncompromisingly, declare our faithfulness to one another from this day forward...

When we speak those vows, we're COMMITTING to life-long learning, loving, laughing and leaning on one another til death do us part...

But those vows are far more than a simple commitment; we are cutting a covenant that is spoken to one another before God - and a covenant is serious business. 

The thing is that when we say, "I do!" we are promising we will not stop doing the work it takes to woo, to treasure, to care for, and to fight for our spouse. 

Years ago, I had an AHA-MOMENT in the middle of Prince Charles and Princess Diana's wedding (yes, that was a VERY LONG TIME AGO). 

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Robert Runcie, made the following remarks to the Royal Couple:

"Here is the stuff of which fairy tales are made, the Prince and Princess on their wedding day. But, fairy tales usually end at this point with the simple phrase, 'And they lived happily-ever-after.' This may be because fairy tales regard marriage as an anti-climax after the romance of courtship. THIS IS NOT THE CHRISTIAN VIEW (emphasis mine). Our faith sees the wedding day not as the place of arrival, but the place where the adventure begins."

There it is - those last six words tell the whole story and take the boring out of the mundane work of "doing the vows." 

Marriage is THE PLACE WHERE THE ADVENTURE BEGINS.

We adopt this perspective:

Every morning when I wake, I will grab hands with my spouse, walk into the "wardrobe,"and enter Marriage-Narnia with a sense of awe and adventure.

Like all adventures, our relationship will have its ups and downs, its ins and outs, its joys and sorrows, gain and loss, wellness and sickness, easy and hard, life and death...

No adventure is all butterflies and roses, beauty and ease...

In Marriage-Narnia, we live abundantly, together, with the Lion of Judah, who may not be safe, but who is ALL GOODNESS.

When we adopt this attitude, this perspective, that marriage is an adventure, we're more apt to awaken each morning saying, "I Do" again and again, forever and ever, til death do us part.

And...not even a mispronunciation of names can dampen the spirit of enthusiasm or weaken the covenant. 

💜

I'll choose adventure any day! Every day! Forever. 

Thursday, February 29, 2024

Marriage 102. Rats in the Walls.

(This meme has been floating around FB for a bit. I don't know with whom to credit it, but it makes me laugh - For certain, marriages can be most complicated.)

XXXXX

When Bay and I share at marriage conferences, we almost always share a story that happened to us shortly after we built our first home in Pagosa Springs.

We had just moved in, when one night as we were lying in bed attempting to go to sleep, we heard rustling in the walls behind our headboard.

The first night, we shrugged our shoulders and ignored it. 

After several nights of this, we realized what was happening, as there was "sign" everywhere ---- we had rats (not just mice, RATS!) in our walls, and they were probably nesting, producing lots of baby rats. 

Being the "big game hunter" that he thought he was in his mind, Bay determined to eliminate them all by putting his hunting skills into play.

He tried everything - traps of various nature, Decon (c), anything anyone has ever suggested for getting rid of rats in the walls; but, as he says, they must have been Ninja rats, because nothing worked.

Finally, in frustration, he asked his dad to help.

Nelson came up with, what we considered at the time, a GREAT IDEA.

He cut a hole in the sheetrock in the garage basement of our house, and connected a hose to the exhaust of his work truck. Then, he pumped that exhaust right into the walls to poison the rats. 

Yep, it worked, perfectly.

That night - we heard nothing but the crickets outside. 

All was well for about three days. 

Somehow, my wise father-in-law forgot the natural rule of decomposition, and within a few days the smell was horrible - no matter how many candles I lit, or how much air-freshener I sprayed.

Then, disgusting as it is to even type the words, came the maggots - I found them crawling on the floor of my kitchen and out of the burners of my stove. 

Of course, eventually that was all taken care of, the wall patched, no more smell, no more maggots and life returned to normal.

For a season, our house looked incredibly beautiful on the outside, but inside was frustration, death, and decay.

XXXXX

Some marriages are like that. 

Goodness, do they look perfect on the outside...but, inside there is frustration, anger, conflict, and all of this is leading to nothing more than death and decay of the marriage. 

I've known several marriages just like this...

XXXXX

Why and how does this happen?

I think I've boiled it down to two main things; no, three. 

We'll just look at one for this week, and do the other two later for sake of space and length. (😉)

Key #1 for preventing rats from getting inside the walls of our marriages:

START WITH EXAMINING OUR OWN HEARTS

There's a great verse I stumbled on several years ago as I was studying through the Song of Solomon preparing to speak to a group of pastor's wives.

It’s found in chapter 2, verse 15 and reads:

Catch for us the foxes (translation: rats), the little foxes that ruin the vine... 

(in SS, the vine is allegorical for the love between the bridegroom and the bride)

Solomon is saying, take care of the little things that annoy and irritate as soon as you see the "sign." 

Don't let those things grow into big things from which there is no turning back. 

But...it starts by looking inside ourselves, before we ever address anything with our spouse. 

Nothing shows us more what is in our hearts than conflict with our spouse.

One thing is for sure, marriage reveals to us that we weren't born with angels wings and a harp in our hands.

Perhaps the opposite is true, and we come complete with horns and pitch-fork.

Somehow, the Lord uses our marriages to show us the rough edges of our own hearts, the things that need to be smoothed out and filed away.

Scripture calls it sin...and, a lot of the problem is just plain pride!

According to author, Gary Thomas in his book, Sacred Marriage, "God wants to use our spouses to make us holy, not just happy."  What a great thought to reflect on:

I'd also add...not just happy, holy and HUMBLE!!!!!

That process is not always an easy one (again, ask me how I know... 😓)

While I married a sinner, the bad news is - so did he; and, I am constantly having to ask the Lord to "Search my heart and show me the ways I am off the highway to holiness..."

More than anything, the Lord desires for His followers to be holy as He is holy as we journey heavenward, where we will, ultimately, be completely transformed into His likeness...



As I close this thought for today, take a look at the following two quotes and ponder them in light of your marriage.


Wednesday, February 21, 2024

Marriage 101

We are currently sitting at the airport in Daraga, Philippines waiting on our first leg of the journey home. 


Tonight we will make it to Manila and stay the evening in a hotel, leaving for San Francisco fairly early tomorrow…then, on to Phoenix. 


The crazy thing is that we arrive only three hours after our departure time, even though it’s a good 24 hour journey.


If you’ve followed social media at all, you have seen pictures and know that this has been a great trip - ordained and appointed by the Lord for such a time as this. 




I love being a part of God’s plans and seeing them unfold.


But, now that this trip has come to a close, our hearts, minds and prayers turn toward the next step on our adventures with Jesus - 


Come next week (Wednesday), we will be heading to Idaho to speak at a marriage conference for 42 couples in a little resort community. 


You’d think with almost 50 years of marriage under our belt (this coming June 1), and having spoken at multiple marriage conferences over the years, we’d be feeling pretty confident about those things that have kept us ticking along year after year. 




However, I find myself struggling a little bit with this upcoming conference, and it has hit me: 


Does anyone ever feel like they have this institution called marriage down pat? 


Isn’t it ever-changing, ever-growing, and we, as marriage partners, ever-learning? 


Each year, there are new seasons - some glorious, some gory!


It also dawned on me that I have never written a blog on marriage, and seldom have I discussed parenting. 


Again, it’s a question of who am I that I should be discussing these two incredible gifts from the Lord, when I still feel like I’m learning?



However, blogging often helps me process, so maybe it’s time to take a look at some of the keys that have kept us standing firm for the last 50 years. (Smile)


This is the question I’ve asked myself: 


What has kept two sinners with self-centered natures waking up each morning, re-committing themselves to “I do?” 


Forever and ever, I do!


When asked this question, so many Jesus-followers answer with one word: love!


Of course they do…it sounds spiritual, most couples all have the “love chapter” in 1 Corinthians 13 quoted at their weddings, and the all-wise, famous guy-band, The Beatles assured us that “All We Need is Love…”



However, somewhere along the way, it dawned on me that this is one of the greatest myths of marriage.


Love is not the all-we-ever-need.


It’s not even a thing we need.


At some stage of our relationship, I recognized that I could only truly love my husband to the extent that I trusted him…and, it also followed that I would only allow him to love me to the extent that I trusted him. 



The two go hand in hand; but love flows out of trust. 


No trust, no love.


In fact, Scottish author, George MacDonald once said:


“ To be trusted is a far greater compliment than to be loved.”


Without trust, we start our marriages stiff-arming our spouse, never actually allowing them get to know us. 


Trust is developed in a myriad of different ways.


The beginning of trust is found in Christ.


Without the direction for life that comes from a relationship surrendered to Christ, we’d be floundering down different paths, always trying to find our way to one another. 



Because Bay trusted Jesus, just as I trusted Jesus, I knew our commitment to Him would be the one plumb line that we would always measure our relationship against, and it had the power to steady us in every storm.


But, there were other things that caused my trust to grow through our dating and early marriage years:

  • Bay did what he said he’d do…
  • He followed through on promises…
  • I knew when we scheduled our priorities, he included me in the discussion, valuing and wanting my opinion.
  • He trusted his hopes and dreams to my care.
  • There was never (!) a question that when he was away from me, he carried me with him in his heart. I never worried, not once, that he would be unfaithful to me in any way.
  • We were best friends, constant companions, and enjoyed one another’s company over any other.
  • He was a safe space for me to be vulnerable, knowing he was always “for me.”
  • Both of us were comfortable being quick to seek forgiveness and to ask for forgiveness, when an offense occurred.

Do we continue to do these things perfectly?


Of course not!



But, we are both committed to keeping cracks from occurring in the foundation of our marriage.


After all, problems with foundations of houses immediately begin causing stress fractures in the walls of our marriage…and the protective walls around our home are bound to crumble (ask me how I know about foundations of houses)… 😌


The same holds true for marriages. 



Just a word of warning, though, and I’ve seen this prove true, time and time again in other relationships:


“Trust is easily broken and extremely costly to restore.” 

Paul Tripp, “What Did You Expect”