Anonymity in My Pajamas

After I answered the blog question last week, I soaked a bit in Romans 9:17 and spent some time just re-committing my sense of God’s calling back to his care.  My words on paper, at the time, were sincere.  However, not even 24 hours passed, before I realized that my words weren’t really matching my actions...or attitude.  OUCH!  I’m thankful the Lord shows me, the reality of my unconscious insincerity, but it really isn’t pleasant, and re-affirms that I still have a long way to grow...

As I prepare to leave my current position at Arizona Christian University in a couple weeks, I heard my mouth saying these words (actually, I watched my hand write them, so I can quote exactly), “Lord, you are leading into another new chapter of life.  The pages are blank, but at the end of this chapter, I pray I have been faithful to allow you to send me, wherever you want me to go, whenever you want, to whoever you choose.  Beautify my feet with the gospel message...the living words of Jesus.”

The very next day, my honey called a map-meeting.  Usually, he calls calendar-meetings.  This was, actually, a map-and-calendar-meeting.  I tend to not like these meetings.  While I like to know details, I don’t want to be the one planning the details.  I just want to be handed the itinerary, and go.  However, these meetings are important as we determine the course of upcoming ministry.  We began to look at the fall (as in the season).  Keep in mind, I’m still trying to get to the end of spring; and, I’m tired.  All I want to do is sit on my back porch and hide behind a good novel.  As an introvert, I’m just about done with people, and need to simply make it to the end, so I can renew.  I wasn’t ready to talk about being on the road, living out of a suitcase, being introduced to new friends, and speaking to who-knows-how-many.  As Bay showed me the calendar, the plan, and the mapped out roads from Colorado to the East Coast, where we’d catch a flight to Kenya, and back again, I cannot truly say I wanted beautiful feet.  Something in me started rising up against “wherever,” “whoever,” and “whenever.”  Whatever!  My will decided, in that moment, that I preferred anonymity.  I wanted to share the message; I just wanted to do it in my jammies and from the comfort of my living room (isn't there a ministry like this somewhere?).  Total unreasonableness was worming its way into my attitude from my deceitful heart.  Like I said, “OUCH!”

Conviction took me back to Romans 9:17 again.  I’ll repeat it, not for you, but for me:  For this purpose I raised you up, to demonstrate my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed throughout the whole earth. Conviction is just what I needed to lead me back to reality, which in turn, allowed reasonableness to meet with my mind (and change my attitude).  I know God doesn’t want me to be a lazy-girl-follower.  He needs me out of my comfortableness in order to demonstrate his power.  He needs me to pack up my suitcases and move those beautiful feet in order to take his name out of my living room (& I think he's given me permission to get a pedicure first).  It may be a new chapter, and a new journey, but whatever he asks, and wherever he sends, the truth remains, he will go, too!  He always has! 

So, I am revising my prayer, anew:

Lord, where you say go, I will go...  When you say follow, I will be close behind.  There may be times I will hide behind your royal robe, but I’ll be there (I will, because it’s about your will, not mine)...even if it’s in my PJ’s!