Know When to Speak - A Lesson on Friendship

Gotta tell ya, I'm a little discouraged as I sit to reflect on paper about friendships this morning. I'm not one to dwell too long on the negative, and after three weeks of unfriends, I rather want to throw up my hands and say, "Friends? Who needs them? Are they worth the effort?" Of course, they are; and, we know that God wants us to be in community. Those of us who have experienced the "if-the-Lord's-the-Lord-of-them" kind of friend (the kind who encourages us in the Lord), know this to be FACT. However, before I can move on and get away from the unfriend, there's one more type of unfriend we don't necessarily need in our lives. Have you looked lately at Job's friends? We have to sleuth them out before we move forward.

At first glance, Job's friends were GREAT. They did friendship so well...

Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him...they came together to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. They raised their voices and wept, and tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great. 

Job 2:11-13

Right there, those are good friends. When we're in the middle of our suffering (and keep in mind, when it is our suffering, it is always GREAT, because it is so personal), we need those around us who see it, understand it, weep with us, and say nothing! Good friends walk, stand, and sit beside us, but they don't have to say a word. Their best support is just being there. Good friends connect with us on a deeper level that goes beyond the talk...

BUT THEN, Job's friends began to open their mouths. After seven days and seven nights, being quiet got old. I credit them with taking that long to speak. My quietness has limitations. I can maybe listen well for a minimum of about fifteen minutes. Then, I have to give advice. I have to heap more coals on the fiery pain of people with the "shoulds," the "musts," and the "coulds." You should do this. Of course, you could try this. Their advice was more along the line of "you must repent." Job's friends figured he had done something wrong to deserve all that suffering. Their judgment was something to behold...as if they were sinless perfection. It's pretty easy to pass judgment on someone else's pain! One of those guys, Bildad, even said this:

If you are pure and upright, surely then he will rouse himself on your behalf... 

(8:6)

This goes on for chapters...us knowing that Job was upright; us knowing that Job had done nothing wrong; us seeing the back story that they didn't know... It's something to remember when we pick friends, or we stand alongside friends who are suffering: WE DON'T HAVE THEIR WHOLE STORY. Nor, do we have God's story on their behalf moving forward.

When we choose friends, when we be-friend, good listeners are better than good talkers. Patience in silence is far more desirable that those who can fill the gap with words.

He who has understanding spares his words, 

And a man of understanding is of a calm spirit. 

Proverbs 17:27

Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace.

Proverbs 17:28

Emily Dickens once said, "Silence is sometimes the best answer."  

The point is that good friends are slow to speak. Good friends don't have to advise in the midst of suffering. Good friends don't have to fix the problems for us. Good friends don't try to put their words in God's mouth, and thus, misrepresent Him. That's what Job's friends were rebuked by the Lord for doing:

My anger burns against you...for you have not spoken of me what is right...go to my servant Job and offer up a burn offering for yourselves. And my servant Job shall pray for you, for I will accept his prayer not to deal with you according to your folly. For you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.

Job 42:7-8

For whatever it's worth, I want to be the kind of friend who doesn't have all the answers...and, I think I want that kind, as well. Sometimes silence is the best encourager in the Lord.

For everything there is a season...a time to keep silence and a time to speak.

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7b

May we know the difference.

XXXX

After finishing this blog, a little earlier, I ran across this YouTube video that describes for us the difference between empathy (connectedness) and sympathy. What we need are friends who are good at empathy...this was what Job's friends didn't get.  Click below for a two minute reminder of what this means (it's an easy listen):

Brené Brown on Empathy