The One Where the Rebel-in-Me Stood Up and Refused to Sit Down

New Year's Eve Day.

I spent the day in fasting, prayer, and seeking the Lord for the New Year ahead.

I highlighted those delightful places where the Lord showed up in 2018.

There were so many, when it came right down to it, I filled pages with my list.

I said good-bye to some hard-stuff, and prayerfully let it go, buried it (literally) and determined to move past it all in 2019.

There was a time when it was so all consuming.

BUT...
...there were only three caskets.
That says something, doesn't it?

I listed those things I was waving an exuberant HELLO to in 2019...

(of course, I had to throw a picture of Brynley Joy waving hello to a new day at 1:58 in the morning... 
It's really a perfect picture of how I feel about this New Year, however...)

Some activities on the calendar, of which I'm already aware (as the Lord wills)...

Others, of which I am expectant...

And, those that will be surprises (good and bad), which are all part of God's perfect plan, His glory, and my growth - well, I pro-actively thanked Him.

I dusted off my hands, and settled into the seeking phase.

As is my norm, I looked for God's Word for my New Year.

Nothing.

Zippo.

Zilcho.

This was unusual.

I've had a Word every year for the last seven.

This past year, my Word was HOPE.

I filled five journals, and part of a sixth on the topic.

I have 52 blog-posts.

I wrote a four-session retreat.

My file folder is over an inch think with research.

Just on one Word.

I waited.

I listened.

Nothing came.

There's this thing about fasting and praying...

...at least where I'm concerned.

The Lord tends to show me the "stuff" in my heart that I'd rather not see.

"Stuff" that sometimes blocks my hearing.

"Stuff" that needs to be swept out of the corners of my soul, and disposed of...

In the midst of praying, waiting, listening, He did just that.

He showed me the rebel in me.

You see, here's what was happening...

I'd been on different social media outlets earlier in the day.

You would not believe (or maybe you would, because maybe you are one of them), the number of people posting about their WORD for 2019.

I was shocked!

When did this become so.....so....so......well, so trendy!

At the time I began this tradition, I didn't know another person doing it.  There probably were; I just didn't know them.

Something within me rises up when a thing becomes a fad.

I start shutting down, closing up, turning away.

When I find a new author who inspires me, then all of a sudden the whole world begins quoting them, I go looking for another new author.

When a "topic" becomes the only "topic" of bible studies, women's conferences, retreats, and memes...well, you guessed it, I want to change themes.

So, there you have it:

God revealed the rebel in me.

She was alive and well, no matter how I tried to hide her.

There was this side of me that didn't want a new word, simply because so many were chasing the trend.

But, in the tension of it all, I still longed for the Lord to show me what new direction He had for me in the New Year. I wanted His Word that would bless my soul and further my spiritual growth, helping me deepen my roots.

Truly, I'm amazed at what I learn when I start digging into a new Word that I'll research...a Word that comes from God's mouth to my heart.

However, NOTHING was coming my way simply because I was standing up on the inside, when I was supposed to be sitting down and seat-belted in the back of the car.

I wasn't along for the obedient-ride.

I just wanted a special dispensation.

UGH!

Disgusting....Right?

So, my adventure into 2019 began with heart-felt confession.

On my knees.

Before His throne.

AND THEN...

(Smile)

AND THEN?????????

Not a WORD!

Nope, not A WORD...

What I received from the Lord was a new idea...new to me....probably not to anyone else.

As I journaled some possibilities, I had this mini-revelation. Not one word, but more like twelve words. A WORD A MONTH.

Not a word to study, but a word to pray.

Here's what I think the Lord was attempting all along to convey to me, but the rebel-girl just wasn't able to hear:

my conversations with Jesus need to improve!
far more than my study habits...

2019 needs to be a year of growth in the intimacy of communication with my Savior...

My life of personal prayer needs to streamline.

I need to become more specific.

It needs to be more sustainable.

More steadfast.

More centered.

And, what better way than to pray around ONE THING OF IMPORTANCE, while sitting at Jesus' feet.

As for the rebel-in-me...I pray she sits down, buckles up, and shuts up!  
(That's a fairly grand goal my New Year...)

XXXXXXXXX

...but, when it all boils down to it, I guess God did give me a word, after all, in spite of the fact that rebel-girl-in-me didn't want to join the trend.

Here it is:

Prayerful.

There will be more to come.
As well, there will be a few changes in 2019...
So, stay tuned...