Marriage 102. Rats in the Walls.

(This meme has been floating around FB for a bit. I don't know with whom to credit it, but it makes me laugh - For certain, marriages can be most complicated.)

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When Bay and I share at marriage conferences, we almost always share a story that happened to us shortly after we built our first home in Pagosa Springs.

We had just moved in, when one night as we were lying in bed attempting to go to sleep, we heard rustling in the walls behind our headboard.

The first night, we shrugged our shoulders and ignored it. 

After several nights of this, we realized what was happening, as there was "sign" everywhere ---- we had rats (not just mice, RATS!) in our walls, and they were probably nesting, producing lots of baby rats. 

Being the "big game hunter" that he thought he was in his mind, Bay determined to eliminate them all by putting his hunting skills into play.

He tried everything - traps of various nature, Decon (c), anything anyone has ever suggested for getting rid of rats in the walls; but, as he says, they must have been Ninja rats, because nothing worked.

Finally, in frustration, he asked his dad to help.

Nelson came up with, what we considered at the time, a GREAT IDEA.

He cut a hole in the sheetrock in the garage basement of our house, and connected a hose to the exhaust of his work truck. Then, he pumped that exhaust right into the walls to poison the rats. 

Yep, it worked, perfectly.

That night - we heard nothing but the crickets outside. 

All was well for about three days. 

Somehow, my wise father-in-law forgot the natural rule of decomposition, and within a few days the smell was horrible - no matter how many candles I lit, or how much air-freshener I sprayed.

Then, disgusting as it is to even type the words, came the maggots - I found them crawling on the floor of my kitchen and out of the burners of my stove. 

Of course, eventually that was all taken care of, the wall patched, no more smell, no more maggots and life returned to normal.

For a season, our house looked incredibly beautiful on the outside, but inside was frustration, death, and decay.

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Some marriages are like that. 

Goodness, do they look perfect on the outside...but, inside there is frustration, anger, conflict, and all of this is leading to nothing more than death and decay of the marriage. 

I've known several marriages just like this...

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Why and how does this happen?

I think I've boiled it down to two main things; no, three. 

We'll just look at one for this week, and do the other two later for sake of space and length. (😉)

Key #1 for preventing rats from getting inside the walls of our marriages:

START WITH EXAMINING OUR OWN HEARTS

There's a great verse I stumbled on several years ago as I was studying through the Song of Solomon preparing to speak to a group of pastor's wives.

It’s found in chapter 2, verse 15 and reads:

Catch for us the foxes (translation: rats), the little foxes that ruin the vine... 

(in SS, the vine is allegorical for the love between the bridegroom and the bride)

Solomon is saying, take care of the little things that annoy and irritate as soon as you see the "sign." 

Don't let those things grow into big things from which there is no turning back. 

But...it starts by looking inside ourselves, before we ever address anything with our spouse. 

Nothing shows us more what is in our hearts than conflict with our spouse.

One thing is for sure, marriage reveals to us that we weren't born with angels wings and a harp in our hands.

Perhaps the opposite is true, and we come complete with horns and pitch-fork.

Somehow, the Lord uses our marriages to show us the rough edges of our own hearts, the things that need to be smoothed out and filed away.

Scripture calls it sin...and, a lot of the problem is just plain pride!

According to author, Gary Thomas in his book, Sacred Marriage, "God wants to use our spouses to make us holy, not just happy."  What a great thought to reflect on:

I'd also add...not just happy, holy and HUMBLE!!!!!

That process is not always an easy one (again, ask me how I know... 😓)

While I married a sinner, the bad news is - so did he; and, I am constantly having to ask the Lord to "Search my heart and show me the ways I am off the highway to holiness..."

More than anything, the Lord desires for His followers to be holy as He is holy as we journey heavenward, where we will, ultimately, be completely transformed into His likeness...

As I close this thought for today, take a look at the following two quotes and ponder them in light of your marriage.

Marriage 101

We are currently sitting at the airport in Daraga, Philippines waiting on our first leg of the journey home. 

Tonight we will make it to Manila and stay the evening in a hotel, leaving for San Francisco fairly early tomorrow…then, on to Phoenix. 

The crazy thing is that we arrive only three hours after our departure time, even though it’s a good 24 hour journey.

If you’ve followed social media at all, you have seen pictures and know that this has been a great trip - ordained and appointed by the Lord for such a time as this. 

I love being a part of God’s plans and seeing them unfold.

But, now that this trip has come to a close, our hearts, minds and prayers turn toward the next step on our adventures with Jesus - 

Come next week (Wednesday), we will be heading to Idaho to speak at a marriage conference for 42 couples in a little resort community. 

You’d think with almost 50 years of marriage under our belt (this coming June 1), and having spoken at multiple marriage conferences over the years, we’d be feeling pretty confident about those things that have kept us ticking along year after year. 

However, I find myself struggling a little bit with this upcoming conference, and it has hit me: 

Does anyone ever feel like they have this institution called marriage down pat? 

Isn’t it ever-changing, ever-growing, and we, as marriage partners, ever-learning? 

Each year, there are new seasons - some glorious, some gory!

It also dawned on me that I have never written a blog on marriage, and seldom have I discussed parenting. 

Again, it’s a question of who am I that I should be discussing these two incredible gifts from the Lord, when I still feel like I’m learning?

However, blogging often helps me process, so maybe it’s time to take a look at some of the keys that have kept us standing firm for the last 50 years. (Smile)

This is the question I’ve asked myself: 

What has kept two sinners with self-centered natures waking up each morning, re-committing themselves to “I do?” 

Forever and ever, I do!

When asked this question, so many Jesus-followers answer with one word: love!

Of course they do…it sounds spiritual, most couples all have the “love chapter” in 1 Corinthians 13 quoted at their weddings, and the all-wise, famous guy-band, The Beatles assured us that “All We Need is Love…”

However, somewhere along the way, it dawned on me that this is one of the greatest myths of marriage.

Love is not the all-we-ever-need.

It’s not even a thing we need.

At some stage of our relationship, I recognized that I could only truly love my husband to the extent that I trusted him…and, it also followed that I would only allow him to love me to the extent that I trusted him. 

The two go hand in hand; but love flows out of trust. 

No trust, no love.

In fact, Scottish author, George MacDonald once said:

“ To be trusted is a far greater compliment than to be loved.”

Without trust, we start our marriages stiff-arming our spouse, never actually allowing them get to know us. 

Trust is developed in a myriad of different ways.

The beginning of trust is found in Christ.

Without the direction for life that comes from a relationship surrendered to Christ, we’d be floundering down different paths, always trying to find our way to one another. 

Because Bay trusted Jesus, just as I trusted Jesus, I knew our commitment to Him would be the one plumb line that we would always measure our relationship against, and it had the power to steady us in every storm.

But, there were other things that caused my trust to grow through our dating and early marriage years:

• Bay did what he said he’d do…
• He followed through on promises…
• I knew when we scheduled our priorities, he included me in the discussion, valuing and wanting my opinion.
• He trusted his hopes and dreams to my care.
• There was never (!) a question that when he was away from me, he carried me with him in his heart. I never worried, not once, that he would be unfaithful to me in any way.
• We were best friends, constant companions, and enjoyed one another’s company over any other.
• He was a safe space for me to be vulnerable, knowing he was always “for me.”
• Both of us were comfortable being quick to seek forgiveness and to ask for forgiveness, when an offense occurred.

Do we continue to do these things perfectly?

Of course not!

But, we are both committed to keeping cracks from occurring in the foundation of our marriage.

After all, problems with foundations of houses immediately begin causing stress fractures in the walls of our marriage…and the protective walls around our home are bound to crumble (ask me how I know about foundations of houses)… 😌

The same holds true for marriages. 

Just a word of warning, though, and I’ve seen this prove true, time and time again in other relationships:

“Trust is easily broken and extremely costly to restore.” 

Paul Tripp, “What Did You Expect”

                                             

A Random Thought on Raising Children 😏

Once again, Bay and I are in the Philippines 🇵🇭 serving at a variety of venues: Sunday church services, leadership training conferences, evangelistic outreach events, university evangelical ministry, a women’s conference (in which we are partnering with Compassion International), and connection with government officials for a possible large future crusade. 

This trip, we brought friends, who pastor a church in Greenfield, IN. What a blessing to have them share responsibilities with us…

(Pastor Theo and Randy Griffin)

…and, what a gift to experience what Paul expressed so well:

It is right for me to feel this way about you (full of thanksgiving)…for you are all partakers with me of grace in the defense and confirmation of the gospel.

Partakers, by definition, are companions who help achieve more together than either could “doing the work” alone. 

We certainly saw this in action this week (Theo and Randy left us this afternoon to head back to Indiana, and we will miss partnering with them).

At the leadership conferences, we zeroed in on the biblical purposes and character of those who are called by God to serve Him among His people. 

One of the leaders assigned to me was Samuel - one of the greatest prophets Israel has known!

At different times of my life, certain aspects of Scripture hit me in diverse ways depending on the current season in which I find myself. 

So as I reviewed Samuel’s story, I was taken back to a quiet time where God spoke to me years ago. 

Steph, Adam, and Mandy were quite young. 

Bay and I were waiting on raising the support we needed to head to Africa. 

Our home had sold. 

All our earthly possessions, except for Bay’s grandmother’s piano and his saddle, were safely ensconced on board the ship heading to Kenya. 🇰🇪 

We were staying with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law as we looked expectantly toward our future in Africa. 

This particular morning, the words from a letter that had arrived in the mail from my parents, played like a recording over and over in my brain. 

“Why would you take your children so far away to a primitive country where there is so much disease, potential danger, and lack of amenities? What about the things you can’t give them there that are prevalent here in the US? How are you going to feel if they want ice cream and you can’t get them something as simple as ice cream?” 

Of course, it occurred during the middle of the night when things always seem bigger and “badder” than they ever do in the day light.

What is it about night that causes our brains to shut down and not think the thoughts of God as easily?

Yet it happens to us all.

For me, those words translated into “What kind of parents are we?” “What kind of future life were we giving our children?” “What if they grew up to resent us for taking them away from the life they had in America?” And, most of all…”What if our act of obedience in saying ‘Yes” to the Lord had damaging repercussions and they chose not to follow Jesus because of us?”

😟😟😟

The next morning in my quiet time, I was slated to read the first few chapters in the book of 1 Samuel. Here’s the back story:

• Samuel’s mother, as we know, was Hannah.
• Hannah was one of two wives to Elkanah.
• While his first wife bore him several children, Hannah was barren and it grieved her heart.
• When the family went to Shiloh to the temple to sacrifice, as was their custom, Hannah went into the quiet of the temple in the early morning to pray.
• Her desperate tears; her crying aloud to the Lord, caused Eli the priest to think she was drunk.
• As he approached her to rebuke her, he listened to her petition, and prophesied that, indeed, she would have a son before the next year.
• She did. 
• Her declaration to the Lord upon Samuel’s birth proclaimed that she would “give her son back to the Lord” once he was weaned. (I can’t imagine!)

Here’s the thing…

Hannah took Samuel and left him with Eli, the priest. 

What Eli lacked in parenting skills (“Now the sons of Eli were worthless men…1 Samuel 2:12”), he also lacked in the priesthood - a terrible father and, perhaps, an even worse priest. 

Because of this, the Lord rejected the house of Eli and revealed that He would strip the priesthood from this family.

However (!) the Lord also told Eli, He (God, Himself) would “raise up for himself a FAITHFUL PRIEST, who would do according to all that is in God’s heart and in His mind (1 Samuel 2:35)”

These words from the ancient books of the Old Testament comforted my heart from God’s Holy “Rhema.”

The Lord, in spite of Eli, raised Samuel up to be a great man of God, a faithful servant, a minister in the house of the Lord.

Like Elkanah and Hanna, Bay and I dedicated our children back to the Lord as babies.

We covenanted with God to raise them the best we knew how with the education and information we had in those days.

Were we “perfect?” 

Ha! Far from it…but our hearts were committed to do what we believed was best, all the while serving the Lord ourselves, as we placed our children into His loving hands. 

Here’s what the Lord spoke to me that morning following my “long night” - 

If the Lord could do a great work in the heart of Samuel under the tutelage of a worthless priest, who wasn’t even a good father figure, I could surely trust Him to ‘raise up’ my children, as well - no matter where He might lead us.

Hannah’s example held the keys: desperate praying and total surrender of her child into God’s hands.

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This was simply a random reminder to me this week.

I honestly don’t know who needs to read this…if anyone…😏

But, I was thankful to reminisce that the Lord is (no matter how old) still THE ONE who does the “raising up” of my adult children (even to old age and gray hair) and my grand kiddos…as well as, future generations to come!

In this, I continue to trust His sovereign hand.